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I hate you & I love you.

"intense or passionate dislike"

"an intense feeling of deep affection"

 


What we say to each other because it encompasses everything.

The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the all and the nothing.

The both/and.

...

Last Wednesday 6.14.23 marked 4 years since you left us earthside and what I’ve realized is that I died that day too. I had 32 years of your love and support and connection…all the things you gave so freely to everyone…the things that you needed to extend to yourself too.


So the version of me that got to live in that beautiful space you held...

died with you that Friday morning 4 years ago.

...

Your death birthed a new me and I wasn’t ready for it.

I didn’t want to let you go.

I didn’t want to let me go.

...

The 36 year old me today recognizes to need to extend all the love and support and connection I have given so freely to others to myself too. Because I see what happens when we don't. Denying our own needs, wants and desires to ensure others have theirs, even to our own detriment...actively kills off parts of our being.

...

What I’ve also realized is that you didn’t feel like you were able to be your full self here…the fear of change and exile and upheaval and loss and judgment and pain that stepping into your fullness brings is terrifying. It is.


I am experiencing that process now.


Because our power has been weaponized against us.

We have been taught to fear our deepest parts.

To deny our brightest light.

To kill off the parts people “can’t handle” or are “too much / overwhelming”.

To change for others to help curb levels of discomfort that claiming ourselves will undoubtedly spark in another’s self denial.

When the “safety” of chaos, abuse, trauma and discomfort starts to fall away, the grief surrounding all the times we’ve silenced ourselves at the detriment of our own self love for the “love” and “acceptance” of another floods in…

and it is HEAVY.


This weight is not meant to be carried alone, it is not meant to be carried at all.

This grief is meant to be moved and felt and processed.

Because that grief is love.

It’s love without a home.

It’s love that can be claimed.

Love that can be Alchemized.

4 years later...

Kaia Evolutions lives as my love letter to you but really...it is a love letter to all of my parts.

To all of the parts of being human.

Of being alive.


It is a permission of fullness.


A collection of every version of me and what I know and love and value and want to bring more of into this world.

Authentic support. Embodied magic.

It is a witnessing of the process of finding ourselves.

Not because we have to go out and accomplish or be shown who we are...


But a disentangling of who we have been told we've needed to be in order to be accepted and loved.

An offering for those in need of support.

A hand to hold while walking home to yourself.

An open heart meeting you in the dark.


It is an unfolding.

A revealing.

A working out of.

An honoring of the process.

A return.

A recognition.

A reclamation.

A transformation...an evolution.


Kaia means many things but I chose it because of its relationship to your name, Kathryn.

Meaning: "pure"


...and my favorite meaning "my elder, little sister".

A nod to all the times you told me throughout my life how you wanted to be me when you grew up; despite being 5 years older than me.


Kaia Evolutions: "pure, little sister transforming"

K for Katie and E for Eileen.


...and so I will continue to step into my fullness and recognize how all the things you feared (that all of us fear) continue to occur...


the loss of friendships

the ongoing struggle with being misunderstood

the sparking of confusion

exile and judgement

challenging conversations

painful boundaries

facing the edges of growth


...because clearing and clarity is needed to re-member.


In the darkness and pain of losing you, of witnessing you lose yourself...

I realized that I could never show you your own brilliance, the brilliance that sometimes blinded me to my own. Because what I saw in you so clearly, I was actively denying within myself.


So I will continue to brave this [RE]introduction.

To meet myself over and over again.


...right here.


With you.


...inches away.



I hate you and I love you.

-Sister


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