"a (violent or) sudden change or disruption to something"...
This is my partner, Jon.
We have been together for over 17 years and have weathered many storms.
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It's no secret that the past few years have brought incredible loss and struggle for everyone; in both similar and different ways. The week I wrote this, happened to be the 3 year anniversary of the world shutting down and, regardless if you're aware of it, our collective bodies are feeling this marker.
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Jon is a craft brewer.
He brews beer for a living...and he's really good at it.
He has won 15+ awards over the last 8.5 years that he has professionally been working at his craft; including being named Craft Brewer of the Year in 2020 by the Great American Beer Festival (think the Oscars of craft beer).
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When lockdown happened, we were lucky enough for his industry (food & beverage) to be considered essential and he was able to continue working. In both of my industries at the time, performance and fitness, there were MAJOR changes and pivots and pauses and losses.
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I was able to create a collaborative solution with my dear friend and fellow coach, Marie, that we maintained for over 15 months - "Workout with Eileen & Marie" - teaching online fitness classes, but dissolved the project in September 2021 as in person things started to resume.
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The same month we ended our collaboration (losing that essential income), unemployment ran out and the brewery Jon was working at put a hard stop on any overtime hours. We became a household with one income; capped at 40 hours.
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2022 brought some gigs and freelance work for me here and there but nothing consistent and, truthfully, I deeply struggled with maintaining motivation as I saw so many of my former colleagues and friends move forward in their lives - anyone else lose entire communities and friend groups over the past few years? I was submitting countless self tape auditions into the ether while doing my best to build the vision of Kaia Evolutions. It was one of the first times I could not find the energy...my reserves were tapped. I committed to feeling everything I needed to feel surrounding internal struggles; what value do I bring to the world and why is it so difficult for me to be paid for it?
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Why am I sharing some of this now?
Because my last Newsletter was back in January.
Every week I have sat down to write and can't find the words.
But the reality is...we have been trying to claw our way out of the past 8 months.
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Back in July, we got the news that the brewery where Jon worked was moving all production to their upstate location. They offered for us to relocate, which was not something we were interested in, then they let us know that he would be losing his job.
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The job that was just barely keeping us afloat.
The only financial lifeline we had at the time.
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We got this news after my sister's 3 year anniversary of her suicide (June), 2 year anniversary of her celebration of life (July), the week before her birthday (August), the same week my uncle died and a few days before the one gig I had at the time was pulled out from underneath me.
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In the same, "we're letting you go" conversation, we were also presented with an offer to take over the brewery and purchase all of the equipment to start our own brand...a dream Jonny hadn't thought possible and one I knew he wanted deep in his bones.
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Since the last week of July, we have been working towards building our vision for the space, the community, the industry...choosing a name, creating a mission statement and values, surveying our friends and colleagues, having meetings with industry people and business mentors and friends and family and writing a business plan and creating a Revenue Share Investment Program and learning about licenses and raising capital and trademarking and and and....
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...and last week...the offer was pulled.
Rescinded.
Null and void.
"Not possible anymore."
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Why am I sharing some of this now?
Because a theme that keeps repeating is...
The energy of "getting your hopes up".
The sentiment of "losing hope".
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And the most well known definition of hope is: "to cherish a desire with anticipation : to want something to happen or be true...a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."
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But the definition of hope that I have worked hard to embody and the one I named my one on one coaching offering after is:
"a feeling of trust."
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A few months ago when Jon was really questioning if he wanted this, to create this dream together, to take such a big chance, I asked him if he didn't want to do it or if he was scared. Because if he didn't want to do it, we could make the decision to not pursue the opportunity. But if he was scared, we had to do it. We could honor that fear together and make the decision to go for it because regardless if the deal that was on the table was going to work out or not, I wanted to make a decision about our life, our future, our family, our dreams with the energy of hope.
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Not the hope of expectation or desire or anticipation...but the hope that is nonverbal.
"a feeling of trust."
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So we are navigating this loss, feeling our anger and frustration, revisiting our fears and renewing our focus through the lens of hope. Trusting our intuition...honoring all the other stuff that comes with taking a chance and being courageous and recognizing the other definition of upheaval:
"a geological term for the upward displacement of the earth's crust that has stretched to include a change in power or ideas."
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Stay tuned as we navigate this venture and if you're struggling with this concept of "hope"...note that the definition I use is named as "archaic" in the dictionary...
but what if it is actually its truest sentiment?
The picture above is from Jon's last bottling day back in November 2022.
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